Party in Heaven

its lola's bday.. supposedly its her 85th bday today, mom promised lola that she'll have an extravagant party but she died a month earlier..

oh well, what matters most is that she is in Heaven now, therefore she is happy.. for sure she's partying there w/ GOD and his angels!

There and then gone

time flies so fast.. she's gone.. the last memory i have of her is, she was talking to me, telling me how pretty & how responsible i am, eventho she can hardly speak.. she just got home from the hospital that time..

during her wake, i didn't cry coz i know that she is happy now, with GOD.. i have to be strong for her and for my mom.. i have to show them that im happy! but today, i just realized that im just trying to be strong for myself, coz i hate goodbyes, and i am not good at it..

knina is her last day.. i said i wont cry, i thought im strong enough, i was wrong.. tears kept falling.. i just cant believe she's really gone.. i cant accept that this will be the last time i'll ever see her.. nun nilalagay n xa s lupa, i keep thinking n bka mbasa xa ng putik, bka malunod xa.. there still this hope in my heart n bka buhay p xa, though its not possible..

its freakin' painful.. and i dont wanna ever feel this feeling again!

i got lots of memories of her.. i remember how she laughed while watching "wowowee", how she exercise her right arm when she got nothing to do, how she say "kaon na" to ask me to join her to dinner, how she calls for my mom everyday to get her off to bed and how she prays at night outloud to God.. i remember everything.. we used to have dinner together, she used to tell me stories about her life, and she always compliments me and my daughter..

i miss her..

Goodbye

last saturday while im partying, my lola is suffering, she was rushed to the hospital.. she had complications in her lungs that results to mild stroke.. the doctors said they cant do anything, and that we just have to wait for her last breath.. yesterday my mom SMS-ed me.. she's asking me to go to the hopsital, so that i can see lola for the last time.. but i wasn't able to go, since its late & i dont have anyone to accompany me.. i decided to go early today.. but its too late.. she died 2 in the morning.. now, i regret not seing her.. i should have been there for her..

regrets.. regrets.. why i always end up in regrets..

i hope she can forgive me, & i pray that she'll be happy now.. with GOD, in a happy place..

Superstitious

i am not superstitious at all, but my mom is.. she always tell me that there's nothing to lose if we'll believe.. err whatever!

here are some example of filipino superstitions:

• If you dream of losing your teeth, a family member will die/will be sick.
• Don't sweep the house at night or you sweep away the blessings.
• If someone leave the dinner table, turn your plate around or you will not have food soon.

i really dont believe such until today.. i had a dream where i lost my tooth.. i dont remember much details about it but all i know is the dream was not scary at all.. when i woke up, maybe around 4pm, my mom sent an SMS, twas about my grand mom.. she's in the hospital because her right leg have allergies & is infected, & the doctor said they need to amputate it.. she will undergo a surgery tomorrow, & its very risky since she's very old (84) & her heart is weak..

2 mos ago, i also had a same dream, & my dad got hospitalized for a month..

so now, i think im starting to believe it.. well its scary & i hate it.. but i know in GOD's grace everything will be okay..

all im thinking right now is my mom, for sure she's really frustrated about this & maybe she's straining herself thinking on what to do.. & also for my grand mom, i love her & i want her to survive this, but im afraid of what would be her reaction once she woke up & realized that her leg is gone.. she's paralyzed from waist down & its only my mom who takes care of her, because her other 2 sons are too busy to see her.. she really is a sad old woman, & for sure she'll be depressed about this..

well i just hope we can survive this..

I realized..

that iv been bad..

back in HS i was the mean girl of the campus.. hated by everyone except my friends.. i treat all enemies as trash & get rid of anyone who gets in the way!

but when i was transferred to FCAN (a christian school) my life changed.. ive become nice, sweet, almost loved by everyone.. i remember those days.. i was so happy.. everything seems so fun & simple..

years after graduation, things happened.. i can say that the mean girl in me appeared again.. i started to hate some of my friends for petty reason.. years passed, those whom i considered best friends have been forgotten & hated.. this past few days, i started talking to them again, i felt guilt.. its like a sharp knife is cutting through me.. i missed my friends! i remember the happy memories we've had.. the feeling of happiness when i am still with them.. now, im asking myself.. "what went wrong?" asking myself if they could still accept me after all that happened..

what happened to me? they are one of the precious people i wanted to keep & now im not sure if i can still do that.. not now that ive already hurt them..